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Aunt Wilma Describes Her Many Charms
by Fred Chappell
This cute monkey's made of platinum
With itsy bitsy rubies for his eyes;
Your Uncle Einar did something mighty dumb,
So little "Cutie-Monkey" was my prize.
Every charm upon this bracelet-chain
Tells the tale of how it came my way.
Einar thinks he's quite the sexy man
And when I catch him, then I make him pay.
"Chase the floozies for here to Kingdom Come,
Make them promises and tell them lies,"
I said, "but sooner or later you'll crawl home—
And I'll be waiting with a big surprise.
You may imagine you've endured some pain
And that you've suffered many a doleful day,
But chop this thought into your marble brain:
Every time I catch you, you will pay."
This little donkey's from Jerusalem,
Where he tried a Swedish tourist on for size;
In Liverpool he had another whim
For which he paid with darling white jade mice.
I'd better not tell you what he did in Spain—
Einar's a dog and dogs will have their day—
But the pain in Spain well nigh drove him insane
Because I caught him and he had to pay.
Your Uncle Einar and his shiny dome
Are more attractive than you realize
To certain types a little past their bloom;
His every misstep swells my menageries
With cunning little animals that shine
And jingle on my bracelet display,
Adding music to my old refrain:
Any time I catch you, you will pay.
There was an escapade in Amsterdam
Resulting in these charming ivory dice
In Montreal he nearly sealed his doom:
This snowflake set with diamonds met my price.
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