The Doctor Is Always In
by Fred Chappell
Uncle Osler knows what ails you;
When he spots you he assails you
With an instant diagnosis,
Awarding you tuberculosis,
Enteritis and cirrhosis,
And there's one further symptom he
Discerns, though so imperfectly
That he is hesitant to insist—
You'd best consult a specialist.
Although he lacks parchment credentials,
He's sure he's mastered the essentials,
For he has studied every ill
Discussed in Herbie's Bar & Grill
Where his advice goes down quite well
With a red-nosed clientele.
And he himself has been afflicted
With most diseases found depicted
With ultra-graphic vividness
In two encyclopedias
Of medicine Herb keeps behind
The bar to twiddle Ozzie's mind.
An hour in Ozzie's company
Becomes a drear eternity
In which accounts of dire disease
Conclude there are no remedies:
A tic, a pimple, a creaky knee
Are signs of swift mortality,
And if you cough there's every chance
That Oz will call an ambulance.
His sanity suffers in eclipse
As a lurid continuous apocalypse
Flames up feverish in his mind
Like prairie fire before the wind.
By the thought that he is doomed
Uncle Oz is hourly consumed
Like a candle on the shelf.
O Physician, heal thyself!
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